Today, I started washing my clothes.

Well, just a few pieces of underwear, gym shorts, and 2 towels. I did it before taking a shower; reminded me of my college dormitory days when I’d go home for the weekend to do my laundry, and then pack fresh clothes for the new week ahead. It was messy business alright, and the mild whacking of the water against my legs as I washed clothes in a tiny black pail reminded me so much of those college days, when money was scarce, yet there was so much time-and you had to do a lot of things on your own.

A lot of things floating in my mind as I squeezed and clenched, never caring if I did the washing well — all I cared about was how clean the remaining water was in the pail, like I was out there to do an “okay” job because all this is temporary. But that was exactly what I had in mind- while all this is temporary, what could be waiting for me, for all of us, when the quarantine ends?

Earlier today, I did some accounting. And looked at my credit card bill. What if they start cutting salaries in a few weeks’ time? What if I do not get my annual bonus which I already accounted for in my budgets?

And amidst all this, my struggle with anxiety and depression has just become more real and persistent. On the other hand, now that I have made it “visible,” I can tackle it head on.

After washing the clothes, I caught a glimpse of the living room and was pleasantly surprised by the accidental (and momentary) quiet. The stillness of it all. What my soul needed.